HER ChaPTer 38: IT's InTrUsiVe

It’s a long one but one you deserve to hear.

It kind of feels like since I got out of the military these past almost 15 years have been a blur. Sometimes moving slowly but still rapidly at the same damn time. In those 15 years I graduated with my master’s degree, expanded this family x3 and also added two dogs. In these past 15 years I’ve dealt with a lot of pain, shame, guilt and fear. I suffered alone for the better part of those 15 years, not allowing anyone in to help me through the many things I was dealing with. Not my husband, my parents, my bestest cousin in the whole wide world or my best friends. I literally isolated everyone from helping me. I gave people pieces of what I felt like they could handle. Or maybe I gave them the pieces of me that I felt I could only handle them knowing.

Those negative feelings about yourself such as shame and guilt can really keep you trapped. When I got out of the military in 2007, I noticed my anxiety was pretty freaking heightened. Getting out of the military was a big transition for me. They do try to prepare you job wise when you transition out, but they don’t prepare you nor mention the emotional and mental transition you will go through especially from losing another family. Because that was your family too. I noticed changes in myself after I got out. I started having intrusive thoughts which were scary and distressing. I went to the VA for help. They didn’t talk much to me but prescribed me an antipsychotic and stated I should watch out for postpartum psychosis. I WASN’T EVEN PREGNANT YET! I didn’t take the medication because I knew I wasn’t psychotic or experiencing psychosis. And it was very disheartening that I didn’t feel heard, seen and I felt treated like crap and unimportant.

I shut up after that and just dealt with it. After I gave birth to my first son those intrusive thoughts worsened a hundred-fold. But I kept quiet about those thoughts the entire time. I was afraid to open up to anyone about them because they

horrified me, and I was afraid of judgement. The thoughts didn’t cripple me much then but after I gave both to my second son, those thoughts were a thousand times worse, and I often didn’t feel in control. I hated that I couldn’t control my own thoughts. The intrusive thoughts were overwhelming and scary. And I had a hard time. I was later diagnosed when I decided to go to therapy which I think was 2014, with OCD Intrusive Thoughts. I was also depressed as fuck because I felt so bad about the intrusive thoughts. I felt like a horrible mom. I was easily irritated, moody, impatient, aggressive and I isolated myself. When I didn’t have to be in the front of the house, I was in my room attempting to lock myself away. I was so lonely and at the same time wanting to be around everyone, so I didn’t feel lonely. But I was still lonely even in a room full of people.

My therapist asked me to bring my husband to one of the sessions and I did. It actually went great. I shared just a little of what I was going through. Not the full effect or the detailed intrusive thoughts I was feeling. But I felt I shared just enough. I had his support, but he honestly didn’t know how to be there for me because I didn’t tell him, wasn’t fully transparent or vulnerable and I didn’t allow him to be there for me. My therapist also wanted me to confide in the people closest to me about what I was going through. I told my mom and dad, two of my best friends, and a girl at the time I considered a close friend who now I absolutely hate was even a part of my life. But that’s neither here nor there. They didn’t judge me. My friends felt compassion and told me they were here for me. My parents told me it would be okay, and they were here for me too. The once close friend even with pure intentions I’m sure, I just didn’t like how she responded. Even though her checking in with me this one particular time was probably because she cared but I felt it was mostly because she wanted to make sure she was safe with me, and I knew then that confiding in others was not an option anymore. I closed up again and the only person that heard from me about this was my therapist. Another blow came when my husband and I were applying for life insurance. I felt so defeated because of the letter I received from the insurance company. They denied me coverage because of “suicidal and homicidal” thoughts. This is the fourth time I have ever written or said that out loud and it’s still painful as hell to say. My therapist at the time felt so bad. She offered to write them a letter and explain what intrusive thoughts really were, but I declined. I felt like it didn’t really matter, and their decision was made. I was labeled and it was proven to me again that you can’t be honest with people about the things you were truly dealing with, suffering though because you will be judged no matter what. And I couldn’t handle judgement.

The fear of being judged, labeled and looked at differently by people I love if I were to be completely vulnerable and honest about what I was experiencing was tooooooo much for me. So, I didn’t. To the outside world I was functioning and doing a great job, but inside I felt like I was barely making it. My daughter has used the word bitter to describe me. What I was feeling during those times that showed up as anger, moody, irritable, and aggressive maybe looked like bitterness to her, but it was really me dealing with pinned up emotions to include shame and guilt of having these thoughts, and not being able to control them and erase them. Boy, do kids have their own perception, which they are entitled to, but crazy because many have no idea what their parents really deal with.

Chapter 38 is about me seeking freedom. Freedom from anything that has kept me bound and shackled.

And I have to say the shame of me having and dealing with intrusive thoughts has been the biggest one. My therapist used to always tell me that I’m not the only one suffering from this and that’s its common. Even as a therapist I didn’t believe her because I never met anyone that dealt with it. Not in my work or socially. Last year I found a postpartum OCD support group by chance via a doula page that I follow, and I registered. It was the knob I needed for a door that I couldn’t open. I hate it took me so long, but I needed to see that I wasn’t the only one and that finally allowed me to open that door and now having the courage to step out and talk about it. The group of women I met I do talk to often. Some of these women are heavily trying to gain acceptance of having this disorder and finding coping skills that work. We support each other in a great way and I’m grateful for it. I don’t know if I will ever be strong enough to share the types of intrusive thoughts I’ve dealt with. But I do feel strong enough to say this disorder is not me, doesn’t define me and is a testimony to other women that you won’t feel like you’re drowning or in darkness forever. That there is another side of this that I have faith you will indeed make it too as well.

Chapter 38 is a chapter of acceptance and being free from any feelings of shame and guilt. Whatever shackles you have, know that you deserve to be free of them and can be.

So here’s to Chapter 38, my year to transform, my journey to FREEDOM!!