Is SHE ChAnGing?

How do you know if you’re changing, evolving, moving into a new direction of you? Sometimes this is often hard to identify, to pinpoint for many. We know that we want to change and sometimes we know the type of change. We know we want to move in a new direction, be in a new place in our lives. And it’s scary because what we don’t know is what that will look like for us, for our relationship with self, with family and friends and even our careers and dreams. We don’t know who is going to fall off the boat, bike or car which we are riding on this journey. We don’t know who is going to fall off our arms, fall from our sides, fall out of our hearts and slowly dissipate from our minds. And again, it’s scary. And I think this is often why people fear change because we are truly scared of how we will change and who will no longer agree with the change or be in the picture. We become stagnant because we don’t want the picture in which we’ve created of our lives so far to change and lose the little that has made us happy and the uncomfortable that at the same time is very conformable. It’s like we want the picture to evolve into what we dreamed but since that dream is out of reach, we stick with what our hands can touch at this moment. Why? Because again, change is scary.

How do you know if you’re changing? I’ve been writing this blog post for a few months. Would start and not quite finish. I myself started to feel gigantically uncomfortable with myself after my birthday last year. After I returned home from my trip to Arizona last April, I just felt immensely different, and I was not understanding why. I didn’t understand that shift that was taking place in my heart, mind, and life. I felt turmoil inside. It’s funny to describe but it felt like my insides were churning with some anxiety sprinkled in and at the same time trying to figure out what the fuck is this. I pressed that churning feeling down so much last year that it added to the anxiety I was feeling significantly. And I didn’t connect those feelings with my desire to change. But in the midst of all of that I decided to stop drinking.

First let me say I wasn’t a big drinker in the first place, but I was a social drinker. Never had drinks alone unless it was a glass of wine and that was rarely. But when people would ask me why I don’t want to drink anymore, I didn’t have a particular reason. I just woke up and realized I didn’t want to drink anymore and that getting drunk was beyonnnnnnnnnnnd me lol. I was just over it. But that little change didn’t stifle the feeling that I needed to break out of this imaginary box that I didn’t even know that I felt trapped inside of in the first damn place.

I didn’t recognize that what I was feeling was me needing to change and wanting to change. I also didn’t know what I needed to change. But I started to see the areas that were shifting in my life and my desire to want more becoming this huge thing, especially my desire and need of more from myself.

So how do you know if you’re changing? In my opinion it's felt emotionally first. You don’t just think it. This big change for me is truly figuring out who I am, who I want to be, and what I want the masterpiece of me to look like. Change is constant and we are ever changing even if it’s slowly at the pace of a snail. We are not the same person we were a month ago, sometimes even a day ago. And the masterpiece of us will not be completed until we are dead because then there are no more changes to make. This is for sure my year of transformation, and I can’t wait to share more with you guys. I can’t wait to see how I evolve.

Do NOT be afraid of changing because change is always needed and it’s 99.9% of time positive and a good thing to do for you, no matter who it upsets. No one should be upset with the changes you make for yourself because if they are they are more upset that they can’t benefit from what used to be you which was more often than not, probably negatively affecting you and lacking boundaries.

Change brings freedom in many areas, and it can be ugly but result in such beauty. So, work towards your freedom whatever it may look like.