Oh, so SHE not pErfeCt?!

I know that no one is perfect. I know that every human being on this planet is flawed and some more than others. I know the dangers of trying to always be perfect, being a perfectionist. And some how in many areas of my life I have still tried to obtain “perfect”. Can you relate?

Well, first let us talk about what it is. According to the definition in the Merriam-Webster dictionary perfectionism is a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable. And according to Psychology Today Perfectionism is a trait that makes life an endless report card on accomplishments or looks. That when healthy, it can be self-motivating and drive you to overcome adversity and achieve success. And when unhealthy, it can be a fast and enduring track to unhappiness. Wow right!?

First how does one end up trying to be perfect? What happens that makes someone think they must be perfect? For me it started at an incredibly young age, it was me trying not to be a disappointment to my parents. I worked really hard to get good grades, do everything right, limit how much of a smart mouth I would have, became a HUGE people pleaser, developed anxiety, became extremely critical of myself and beat myself up when I would make mistakes. I have actually said to myself before that making mistakes is normal for others, but that shit is not normal for me. I would dwell on those mistakes for days too. For many their perfectionism is driven by the same things including trying to avoid failure and being judged.

I remember when I was in therapy. Yes, therapist have therapist and it is definitely recommended believe me. But yes, I was in therapy to process some things, some irrational thoughts about myself. And I am just laying it all out for the therapist, and she said to me well who told you that you had to be perfect, where did you get that from? And up until that point I had no idea that what I was doing, how I was operating was indeed me trying to be a perfectionist. And ever since that I have been trying to fight against trying to be perfect. I thought I was doing a good job at that too until last month. I know that I am not perfect. I have so many flaws, so it was confusing because I was confronted with some things about myself that were conflicting.

I have a best friend/sister that blows all my bullshit right back in my face but with love. You will hear a lot about my besties. Best friends can be the best accountability partners when it comes to calling you out on your stuff. We were talking about my marriage and communication because I was feeling very misunderstood. So, we were talking, and she made me realize that basically I thought I was perfect in that department (why, because I am me what you mean). And I felt like he was the sole issue. After our conversation I thought about it all night. I realized that because I thought I was perfect when it came to the communication between he and I, I left no room for him to actually communicate openly and honestly with me. He had no room to tell me when I was wrong because since I was “perfect in communicating” it meant I was right about everything especially when it came to him. And then it hit me, and I had to admit to myself, very reluctantly might I add, that I was playing a bigger role in the communication issues and why things were stagnant at that point. Which then forced me to apologize (and please imagine me rolling my eyes hard as hell) which is something I realized I also do not like to do.

That idea of perfection can play itself out in so many ways and so many areas in your life. You can either try to be perfect, expect others to be perfect or put your unrealistic standards of perfection onto others. And either one breads toxicity. Perfection is IMPOSSIBLE! So, what are some signs of a perfectionist you ask? Some signs are the person is highly critical of self and others, driven by fear, have all or nothing thinking, HEAVY on the unrealistic standards, focuses more on results, gets depressed when they do not meet goals, unhealthy fear of failure, defensive as hell, low self-esteem, and last but not least which at times seems so contradictory, procrastination!

How can you lessen perfectionism and ultimately rid yourself of it?

1. Acknowledge, ACKNOWLEDGE, acknowledge that you’re a perfectionist and two that mistakes are normal and EVERYONE makes them! And understand that mistakes help us to learn and grow.

2. Set realistic and attainable goals and adjust your standards.

3. Break down overwhelming tasks/goals into small steps.

4. Focus on one thing at a time.

5. Take those fears, fears of failure head on by being real with yourself about all the possible realistic outcomes.

6. Watch how you talk to yourself, speak life into you not negativity.

7. Practice by being okay with completing a task and saying its good, it is good enough instead of perfect. Practice not spending an overwhelming amount of time on something that should take you 5 mins but because your trying to be perfect it takes over 30 mins, sometimes hours to complete.

8. Forgive yourself! You of all people deserve your forgiveness and on an ongoing basis.

9. Go to therapy if you know this is something you cannot do on your own, even if it’s just to help process a few things.

Perfectionism can really hurt us in every area in our life including careers we’ve worked so hard for, relationships with our romantic partners, children, other family members and friends unless we get it in check. Do not let it control you, know that you have the power to control it.