SHE got "D" Issues?!

Okay y’all. I had an eventful and draining weekend. So, lets start off with a disclaimer: Therapist are human, and we experience emotions and pain and all that shit just like everyone else and this weekend I was no exception. I have been trying to build a better relationship with my father. I have been calling more and just wanting to be closer to him. I have always loved my father ever since I was little girl and life experiences has not changed that. My stepmother died from natural causes in July and her funeral was this past weekend. I went with my father because I wanted to support him and because I love him. I had not been around my stepmother’s family since I was a little girl like maybe since the age of 7 or 8. So I literally only remembered two of her children and that’s it, she has six children.

My dad and I get to her youngest daughter’s house where the family is meeting to line up to go to the church as one. I was thrown off at first because people were calling him granddad and grandpop and by his first name, but the granddad and grandpop is what shocked me. At the funeral, the youngest daughter talked about her mom and how she raised her and loved her and how her mom and my dad helped her to raise her kids. I was already emotional as hell. I’m a crybaby and it was sad as hell and I was sad for my dad, for my stepmom’s kids and the thoughts of losing my mom, it all made me cry. But when the daughter talked about her mom and my dad helping raise her kids I started crying really hard and it felt like I was starting to hyperventilate with that damn mask on and I had to calm myself down. From that moment on I had become angry.

At the cemetery one girl said to my dad “I didn’t’ even know you had kids”. At the repass, a friend of mines from high school was there who is best friends with one of my stepmom’s granddaughters she said she never even knew he was my dad. My dad was at the head table and he was taking pictures with my stepsisters and my friend said “aww look at him taking pictures with his other daughters”. I looked and smiled and nodded. And said to myself she’s right, those are his daughters. And so, this is where my issue came in at. I got mad because my dad was not involved in me and my younger brother’s life growing up. He was completely absent. And it now appeared that he went out and made a whole new family. I literally do not remember seeing my dad from the time I was in the 3rd grade until I was 19 years old. Not a phone call, a visit, or conversation. My dad didn’t even call to tell us our granddad had died when I was a sophomore in high school, someone I worked with told me.

After the repass I dropped my dad off at home and I called one of my best friends because I needed to talk. I could barely get my words out because I was crying so hard. But during our conversation I realized the “stories” I told myself that became facts over the years. I dead ass convinced myself that because my dad chose not to have a relationship with me that meant he did not have a relationship with her kids. I mean that is laughable now that it is out of my head, but I had convinced myself of this. I just knew my dad did not have a relationship with no one else’s kids because he did not have one with me. How could I think this man would be with this woman for over 30 years and not be involved with her family and love them as though they were his own family. That realization is what had me crying so hard. One of the reasons being I assumed my dad did not have a relationship with us because of his past drug use.

I had forgiven my dad for not being in my life and the justification I used for him not being in my life was because he was on drugs. I did not consider drugs was only a partial reason and that my dad made an active choice to not be involved. But the point I’m making is that I had already forgiven him. I could not take the forgiveness back. I said to myself, damn do I got daddy issues, I thought I was good with all this. That same night I told my husband what I was feeling, I told my mom who was mad because I was crying (lol her baby) and I told two other best friends. My husband and one of my best friends did not understand why I was so upset. Another realization I came to during these conversations is I focus much on trying to understand others and where they are coming from because of my career field and I realized that I assume everyone I talk to that is close to me understands exactly what I mean, say, and feel and that is not reality/the case either.

What do you do when feelings and beliefs etc. surface about past situations you have moved past?

1. It is okay to feel whatever emotions come up. Do not dismiss them, do not cover, or push them down. Acknowledge them and understand why you are feeling the way you feel at that moment.

2. Understand that you cannot change things that happened in the past. You can only continue to move forward.

3. It is okay to NOT go back and address things that cannot be changed. Some conversations are not worth having and some understandings are not worth gaining if you will.

4. Forgiveness is not a one time and done deal. For many situations you will have to forgive repeatedly when those negative feelings resurface and when negative memories pop up and that is okay.

5. Remember the reason you forgave in the first place, BECAUSE FORGIVENESS IS FOR YOU NOT THE OTHER PERSON.

6. And sometimes you gotta breath and meditate that shit out! I had to meditate and pray.

I had to process those emotions y’all. I was overwhelmed as fuck. It was a rush of feelings all at once and a reality had broken, and I felt absolutely devastated that my dad did not choose me. I had to come to terms that I built up that false reality and NO ONE else in my life did that, no one fed me those beliefs. I had to ask myself what I want and what I want is to continue to build a strong relationship with my father, so I processed those feelings and let them go. It’s okay to feel, it’s okay to be upset and angry but most importantly it’s okay to feel all that AND MOVE THE FUCK FORWARD. (Oh and having Daddy Issues is not a negative, there’s just some things you have to work through)