ThIs YeAr waS a BiTcH!!!

Hey guys! It’s been a while and the least I can do is end this year with coming out and saying what’s up. How are you guys? Are you hanging in there? How has this year been for you?

Whew 2021 has been a true whirlwind for me. I really thought 2020 was hard but I was totally wrong, 2021 has been by far the hardest. Mentally, emotionally, and physically this has been a tough year. In March I went to Phoenix, Arizona for my birthday. Somewhere I’ve always wanted to go. I was so excited and looking forward to the experience. And I had a great time. But once I came back home my entire mood and mind shifted, it felt like almost immediately. And from that minute on I entered a dark place which was hard as hell to shake. I spent most of this year fighting to get out of that place, in and out of depression but mostly circling in it.

I couldn’t even pinpoint how I got there and what contributed to it. It was even hard to admit that it was depression because I was still functioning so well. I was still paying bills, still taking care of my kids, still working, still showing up and being there for my friends and family, still doing everything I had to do. I couldn’t stay in the bed like I wanted to do. I couldn’t isolate from people liked I longed to do. I couldn’t sit like I wanted. It was hard to process the many emotions that I was feeling. It was hard to get through the different emotions each day and still show up as best I could for my kids and to work to make sure I didn’t get fired. And trust me there were many days where I wanted to say fuck this job.

I felt even worse about how I was feeling because I felt like it was affecting my kids. Although I was present, I wasn’t really present. I didn’t feel like I was giving them the quality time they deserved or the best of me. But the crazy things about kids that love you, they never felt that way. During that time, I was still awesome and great in their eyes. And not that I’m beating myself up about it, but I know I could have been a hell of a lot better and “here”. When I tell you this year was hard, I really mean it.

My anxiety has even been through the rough worrying about and questioning my mortality. With so many things going on medically I’ve wrecked my mind and emotions worrying about being here to ensure I’m raising my kids to see them happy and living life and growing up. I’ve worried about things I absolutely can not change, things that I ultimately do not have any control over.

Being a therapist and experiencing the many different things that I have; you would think that would have made this journey easy. But surprisingly it has not. Has being a therapist contributed to my awareness? Absolutely. Has being a therapist helped with being able to recognize my irrational thoughts as just that? Absolutely again. Has being a therapist helped with understanding how to approach, confront, and tackle the different emotions and feelings? Uh Duh. Was I able to actually work the process, implement coping skills, confront and change thought processes and more on my own and successfully because of my “knowledge and experience”? Hell fuck NO!

Again I will say all therapist need a therapist. We are not meant to fix ourselves. And my therapist has been my saving grace throughout this year. I’m happy that I was able to recognize what I needed and proceed with getting the help I needed. Having that space to pour out everything I was feeling, not worrying about feeling judged, and getting the tools and accountability to help me with putting me back together. And no, it’s not that I think my friends or family are judgmental beings. It’s always been hard for me to open up to people the way that I truly want and desire to and mostly out of fear. And also I never wanted any of my friends or family members to feel like I was overwhelming them with anything I have going on even though I’m reminded often that it isn’t my place to make that decision. If you feel and know you need to talk to someone, need a therapist, don’t hesitate to get one. I know that seeing a therapist is still looked down upon by some, and the stigma is still big in our community. But you deserve the right to get ANY help you need in caring for you. Black Women, you DO NOT need to be strong and push through all the time. You are allowed to break and put yourself back together. You are allowed breaks to breath and check in for you. We burn out so easy caring for everything and everyone but ourselves.

I say all this to say this year has been a bitch! And the spirit of fear has been strong. So it’s time to breath, release, accept, and move forward in spite of. I hope the new year brings us all the change, joy, peace, and happiness we desire and deserve. I’m over my hump, out the pit, back on the saddle and you will see/hear from me consistently!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BRING IT ON 2022!