Was SHE loNeLy or nAh?

I’m a skip the pleasantries, let’s just get into it. Can we talk about loneliness for a little bit? I was talking to a client this week about her being afraid to be alone and the reasons why she may be afraid. Have any of you ever experienced a period in your life when you were afraid to be alone? Maybe you didn’t even identify it as being afraid at the time. Maybe you identified it as boredom, just wanting to hang out, etc. Maybe you knew you felt loneliness but couldn’t and still don’t understand why.

For years and I mean years after I got out the Army and came to Chicago I was lonely as hell. I’m not talking about just two or three years. I’m talking like maybe 8 or 9. But I was married and had kids to occupy my time. For the first four years I refused to even make friends here. But for a long time I didn’t understand why I was so lonely. At one point early on I chalked it up that I was feeling like that because my best friends were all in other states.

I also felt like my husband wasn’t spending enough time with me or taking me around Chicago so I could get to know it better and feel more comfortable about living here. I didn’t take any responsibility in getting myself out to learn more about the city so I could like it. (I’ve done a lot, a huge amount of self-reflection over the past two years and I’ve blamed him for quite a bit of things). So, the loneliness made me resentful of a lot of things and people. The loneliness also made it easy for me to wrap myself in everything that was about my children, only wanting them home, spending every minute possible with them and even if we weren’t doing anything, them being in the next room was good enough for me and my anxiety about them being away.

This was a period in my life where I felt the loneliest. Started wearing makeup to mask me. Even my smile was forced many of days.

The loneliness I was experiencing put a pause on my life. I wasn’t living my life. I was taken care of my children and other responsibilities and that was it. I barely left home. Going places with the friends I made here was a task and even though I would say yes, I really didn’t want to go even though a part of me did want to go. Crazy right? I know. The loneliness made it easy for me to retreat into myself, into my home and it fostered a lot of depression and unhappiness. I was lonely even though I was surrounded by my husband, kids, other family and friends and I couldn’t figure out for the life of me why.

I talked in a previous blog about one of my best friends and how she confronted me on something being wrong and me needing to fix it. So in 2016 was when that happened. And that’s when I put a name to what I was actually feeling/experiencing. I was unhappy. I had to go through the process though of figuring out why I was unhappy. I again blamed my husband for that because he wasn’t making me happy in the way I felt he should. And I finally came to a place where I realized that I was just unhappy with me, about so many things that had transpired in my life. Things I needed to fix with me so I could feel better about me, love me better and be confident in who I was. I had allowed so many things that happened in my life to determine how much I loved and DIDN’T love me. So I Initially felt lonely because I moved to a place and where none of my friends were. But my loneliness grew due to unhappiness.

What causes loneliness?

There are so many things that causes loneliness. But the main one I want to talk about is this one. Loneliness is more often than not attributed to internal factors such as low self-esteem. Low self-esteem, lacking confidence, which in turns makes you feel like you’re not deserving, not worthy of attention from others, to be apart of their space. This is not about the loneliness you sometimes feel because you’re bored and just want to get out the house or you miss someone. This is about the loneliness you feel even when surrounded by others or the loneliness you feel from isolating yourself from others. This is about the uncomfortableness you feel when you’re alone in your own presence. That is what must be fixed.

The uncomfortableness you feel when you sit alone, it’s you not being happy with something in you. And even though you would rather be in the company of others to feel better that uncomfortableness also isolates you, pulls you away from others. Again, crazy right?!

What can you do to get rid of the lonely feeling?

Some hard work and dedication to self. You’re going to have to work on fixing what you’re not happy with within. That peace and acceptance that everyone talks about is real. The peace within is everything. And you gain it by acknowledging the issues, Changing/fixing the issues, love you a hell of a lot more, accepting you and having and maintaining your own happiness INDEPENDENT OF EVERYONE ELSE. Basically fix you so you have no problem sitting with you!

Also, be open to therapy. I know that therapy has a lot of stigma attached to it for many different reasons. But be open to it because many need assistance getting through this period in life and it’s absolutely okay. Don’t make yourself suffer due to fear of being judged. Plus therapy is confidential anyway. Believe in you, you can do this and will get through this too.